A Reason to Die
by 0XOX Walking Flame
Summary: [Chap 3 updated]Suze chooses to compromise, just like life is suppose be. But life is always about giving, and to absorb the pain staking out in her heart is like death itself...
1. Bleed

Note-edited

Summary-Suze finally hits the big 21 and is on her way to fame. Well, okay, not exactly _her_ fame, more like sideshow fame from Mr. Paul Slater, but it works out anyway. Working secretary for SlaterCorp. is great . . . until she finds herself under a deadly disease.

I gnawed on my rough, dry lips, leaning against the kitchen counter. I quickly took a sip of the clear, pure H2O.

The water hit the inside of my mouth cold and hard. I hated that taste. The taste of the metallic, bitter water. Swallowed unwillingly, I held my damp head beaded with sweat back.

Looking around, I caught no one in sight. Then I removed a disposable plastic cup from the many piled so high that it threatened to topple over. It shook unevenly, finally stabling itself. With a sigh of relieve, the water was beginning to gurgle as it filled to cup to the brim.

Pursing my lips together, I began looking down at my hand. It was marked, blemished. Ink stained the fine lines, in contract to the unflawed white cup. But most of all, they were shaking.

Six perfectly oval shaped pills landed in the palm of my hand. Chalky white they were, and flawlessly smooth. They stared back at me, full of deceit. My vision blurred, but they seemed to be snarling at me.

What was I so afraid of? They were only medicine. They could kill me . . . but they made me feel so low. I couldn't sink any further, this was the bottom of the pile of shit I set myself up for.

I popped it in my mouth hastily, just to get it over with. The bitter taste hit my tongue like bits of snow icicles plunging down hard, piercing myself. My tongue couldn't help but to stick it to the roof of my mouth. It stuck as I hoped it will.

My hands tightened around the cup, causing water to spill out. I nibbled at the rim, drawing time, then choked back the water, flinching at the taste. It was horrible. My mouth pruned up, forming a wry pout.

I moved the rest two tablets around with my thumb, shifting the positions. It was so bitter, and so ugly. I had to shake my head in disgust as I literally held my life in my hands. Those tiny tablets were my liaison between this world and the next. What pained me so much was the fact that I had lost all my dignity and I was a disgrace. Those pills hurt me so bad. They were sharp arrows right through my soul.

The medicine sucked. Every bit of it was just an experience in hell. I dropped the tablets in my water, it fizzed, little oxygen bubbles forming. I held my head back, quickly swallowing the water. The flavor stuck to my mouth.

Feeling myself lose color in my face, I began to shake. Grazing my damp lips with the back of wrist, I let my head drop shamelessly.

"Hey Suze," I promptly looked up, tossing out the cup. It was Paul, he was grinning at me with that usual lazy grin. "I need you to file a call to the Golf Resort when you're done."

I sniffled, looking up at him. "Yeah, sure. I'll be right there." I leaned back, trying to look casual. But my heart was beating half a mile around the world. My head sank and it felt as I was drowning.

He walked out. Not caring to shut the door behind him.

I coughed, hard. I shook my head to refuse myself of the horrible truth. But I kept coughing and hacking. Panicking, I grabbed the napkin dispenser. My grip held the napkin at my mouth. It was rough against my lips.

Losing balance, I plummeted to the floor, writhing at the pain. My whole body was aching, pleading to stop. Finally, it impeded. And I just lied there, sobbing to myself. My whole body curled into a ball, and I wept.

The napkin fluttered to the floor and unfolded, stained by a bloody red color. I stared at it, afraid what was happening. I brushed my mouth, is showed no sigh of blood. The napkin was now tainted with the rich color of scarlet wine. Laced with pain. The ugly color that I've always hated. What hurt me even more was the fact that I let this happen to myself.

Though promising myself that this was going to get better, I had always kept a foot in reality. This little piece of truth that I had to force myself to grasp on to, for I was afraid of being left forsaken. Vindicated.

The tears just kept on dribbling down my cheek, and rounding at my chin. I blinked slowly. My shoulder blades shook violently, as I groaned with self hatred.

I felt the cellphone in my pocket ringing. Trashing the napkin, I held out my cell in front of me. An unfamiliar number flashed in the screen. "Hello, Simon."

"Hello, this is office of Dr. Stuard. Is this Miss Susannah Simon?" The automatic voice sounded, shrilling brilliantly.

I cleared my throat, and saw myself fall apart. "Um, yeah, yes." I rubbed my forehead, sticking my head back until it fell against the cabinet door.

"We have your test result back. Do you have a free time to meet with Dr. Stuard? He feels that it is important he talks to you."

"Ye-yes," I felt tears stinging from my eyes, but hurriedly wiped them away. "I have with period off. Can I pick it up now?"

"Hold a minute please, Miss Simon," I heard the phone buzz in my ear. I clutched on to my forehead, it was spinning. Heat fell upon me, and I felt smoky haze rise until it suffocated me. "Yes, he has the next 30 minutes off."

"I'll be there," I quickly hung up, tossing my cell phone on the floor a few feet away from me.

Except I didn't show up.

Because I knew that I was dying.

I'm so sorry about the chapter. I know that it's too short, and it really sucked. Except, it's like midnight, and I can't even see where I'm typing.

Please Review!


	2. Compromise

Note- edited

Reminder – I wrote this before Twilight came out, so I didn't know anything about what happened. I'll just try to follow the storyline.

Sorry I'm so late with the second chapter. I didn't that much reviews so I stopped working on the story. But that I'm back, with the beautifully crafted second chappie. Yeh right.

O.0.O

I shifted around for a while, assorting paperwork for SlaterCorp. My desk was so stacked up with paper that it made it almost impossible to see even cross the room. So many incomplete forms to fill. So much time to waste.

My nameplate shone glossily in the warm, brilliant sunlight. Susannah Simon, Accountant.

Who would have even thought that I'd even make it this far? After my years of education in college, I have finally gotten my bachelors degree. The fact that I'm an even an accountant even blew me away. Out of all the jobs, I picked accounting, which I'm actually pretty pleased with.

When I met Paul two years ago here in Connecticut, he always insisted that I probably should have gotten a more _volunteer-y_ job. Hah, accounting is far from volunteer work. But then again, I am volunteering my time at SlaterCorp, so it works out anyway.

As much it pains to admit, I loved my job. Paul was good to me, and had kept his distance ever since hiring me, which surprised me far more than I could say. He even brings girlfriends to the job, making me feel so much safer.

Happy to finally put the past behind us, I wouldn't be any more content. A few times I even caught my own reflection smiling back at myself while working. Now how many people would admit themselves happy at a workspace.

I like the way he treats me around here. Like another employee. Never have I felt so comforted by the way we manage things so professionally.

I was rewarded an office for my hard work 3 months after being hired. I was so thrilled by the idea of my own office that I hugged Paul so hard I was actually afraid of choking the life out of my own boss.

The office, oh I just adored it so much.

The room was finely polished, and shone in the glossy warm rays from the window. Massive wooden furniture filled every corner, taking up for space. But nothing could have made me felt emptier inside. Sometimes I wonder what it would've felt like to have one of those tight boxy office outside. I would wander around and hear the cheerful voices of the co-workers with their little radios playing different tunes. Each cubby containing a picture of two of loved ones.

People connected and talked to each other. They were . . . _friends_. Something I've so longed for. Whatever happened to me? Where were my friends? Even I questioned myself that.

I knew how many people would have traded an arm or a leg for my office. It almost made me look conceited.

The office was gorgeous. Everything was posh wood, and brought a warm, homey surrounding. The accents were classic, but also very professional. The wooden room was streaked with sweet bits of honey pigment.

There was a beautiful cherry tree outside my office. It still hasn't blossom at this season of the year, but the flower buds were maturing, announcing spring's arrival. Sunlight seeped through the curtains.

A vase of flowers sat neatly on my table. This week, daisies. I certainly can't say that they were my favorites, lilies were, but they were gorgeous all the same. They fell in every direction, falling into an adjustable place.

"I'll surprise you," Paul had said when I arrived at my office for the first time. He had a bouquet of yellow roses, for friendship. (A/N: Sorry, I don't know about flowers, but I think it says that in a movie I once saw.) They were stunning. I accepted that friendship, and filled my space in this company. I couldn't have been happier by the way things got along here.

So each week, I receive a new type of flower. It keeps me guessing. And I'm pleased with any types of flower I got. It sort of relieved me that lilies haven't sown up yet. I'd like the think that Paul doesn't know as much about me as he would've liked.

I stood up, pacing around the room. I finally poked my head out, eyeing the surrounding like a shy turtle coming out of its shell. Finally, I caught Paul's eyes. His shocking blues against my envious greens. Our eyes locked, he waved, gesturing for me to come out.

Sighing, I was glad for another excuse to be around more people. Nobody would believe it if I had told them that I was a prisoner in my homy office. Happy, yet still a prisoner.

Arabesque, his current girlfriend, was with him. I see that he's been laying off the snobby-model looking ones and is going for the more natural look. She was perched on top of his desk, gazing at him longingly with those hazel eyes of hers.

I've hung around with Ari for days recently; she's trying to get more inside info on Slater. I can't say that I've been a good help, since we hardly had that kind of a relationship. She was good natured and laid back. She would always talk with honey laced in her voice, I'd say that she was one of the most persuasive person I've met.

Arabesque had a modern, hippie look. She always wore skimpy low cut shirts, paired up with those baggy-yet-comfortable bottoms. I checked that her thongs weren't sticking out like all of Paul's ex girlfriends. Her dark hair swayed at her hips, trimmed just perfect. She was hardly a Barbie, but she was stunning all the same.

"Hey Suze," she smiled with a dazed look, adjusting her messenger bag so it hung neatly down her skinny shoulders. "Man, this coffee tastes bitchy. I was just recommending to Paul here that he should get tea in the office, they are so much healthier than this junk." And with that, she took a low sip, nibbling at the cup. I tried to hide my laughter.

She bent down to kiss him sweetly on the lips. I smiled adoringly, how cute was that?

He pulled away, looking blissful, never taking his eyes away from her. Coughing, he arranged the pens on his desk. I realized that he wasn't a very personal guy. Never did he have any pictures or anything that related to his personal life. I wondered that Jack looked like now. Maybe he's grown, but I'd never get to know.

I also respected him for that. I could see how business never mixes with your personal life. On the other hand, I was quite different. A had a few frames of my family, they all looked so blissful and happiness glistened in their eyes. There was one with Cee, Adam, and I sitting at the beach. How naïve we were to have thought that this would all last.

Cee . . . Adam . . . when was the last time I talked to them. My let my smile drop a bit, and my eyes more remorseful.

Eyeing me with a low smile tugging on his lips, Paul asked, "So how may I help you today, Accounting Simon?"

She giggled noisily, tapping Slater's nose with her pinky. "That's funny. Accounting Simon. Is that was they call you around here? Can I call you that?"

"Hardly."

Sometimes she can get to the point of too giddy to the point that it gets annoying. I wasn't one to complain.

I tossed the folder of SlaterCorp's progress report on Paul's desk so that it landed with a loud noise that brought their attention back. **Progress Report** was written in big bold letters on the cover. My handwriting wasn't quite as forceful and loopy as Paul's was, as I've studied so many times.

In case you were wondering why I was studying his handwriting and trying to mimic it . . . no, I was not forcing his signature on anything. Yet.

"Well anyway," I said. "I was going to ask if we can have lunch together to discuss the company's progress report because we're seriously running into some difficulties, but seeing as Ari's here, I guess you guys'll be going out for lunch. But that's alright, I'll drop by your office later—"

"Oh there's not need," she cut me off in a hurry. "I just dropped by. I have to get to my uncle's to help him move. Bummer huh?"

She pouted, checking her nails. She taught me the first time that we've met that she was very close to her uncle. I think he was the only relative left of hers, and I was sure she wouldn't have missed helping him for anything in the world.

Surprised as I was, I was proud of Paul for actually getting a lady with a true heart.

"'Nyway, you guys go have fun. Doubt company talk is much fun though, but have a good time anyway. Just don't have too much fun with Accounting Simon, kay?" She winked, smirking.

And she was right. I dreaded those lunches, they were filled with so much bore, and laced with even more stiff talking. Oh, the fun. Yet the only part I enjoy about it is having company for lunch.

Having lunch with Slater's not a big deal. We have had a progress report meeting every month for the past two years. It's all business. And believe you me, it's no fun at all.

He came to join me after greeting Arabesque off.

"I see you guys are getting serious, huh?" I nudged him teasingly.

He just chuckled with that casual smile of his. "Nah. She's too lucky-go-happy for me. I think I might have to break up with her, but I'm just not sure of how to approach someone like her, she'll probably just think I'm kidding and start teasing me about it."

"How about the 'it's not you—it's me' one," I commented. "Or 'I'm gay'?" I'm sure you won't even need to make the second one up."

He rolled his expressive blue eyes, grinning mildly. "Haha, very funny, Simon."

"That's Accounting Simon to you, Mr. Boss."

We stepped into the company courtyard. Several co-workers looked up curiously at us, nodding politely. Others just made way, walking off. Paul's the kind of boss that you'd regard as having serious anger issues.

"You know," he smirked slyly, drumming his fingers along his thigh. "Maybe we can go eat somewhere else today."

O.0.O

Sorry Jesse hasn't been very active in the story. He'll eventually show up. Most likely in the next chapter. For the meanwhile, REVIEW!

PS. Shoot, my ear's getting sunburn from writing beneath the light. lol


	3. Beginning

Gawd, I just finished reading what I wrote on the other chapters, and it kind of depresses me. I had no idea of all the spelling errors I made, so I have to apologize for that. And my writing is so crappy. I'm really out of it. 

Sooooo, I went back to fix the last chapter. I just made it not so rough around the edges. But now I'm down in the dumps.

Oh, and I decided to add this one so that it's a little longer. And I apologize for any spelling mistake I make. I'm simply too lazy to fix everything.

Anyway. Enjoy.

Flashback 

_It was an unusually boring Saturday, as I remembered it so clearly. Sometimes, it's amazing how the single last blissful day of your life can remain so untainted in you mind. In fact, I could remember everything. I still recall the way the neighbor's savvy cat sauntered on the street in that conceited and lazy motion. I have committed that day to memory. Saunter_

_Everything was pitch perfect. The sun was blazing down on the roof of the house, where I was hidding out temporarily. The sun oozed warmness, showering happiness that can make one feel so complete. Mom warned me to put on lots of sun lotion or I was surely going to get fried, and I could already feel my skin sizzling._

_Everything was the same in sunny ole California. The weather was mangy hot, enough to make you sweat a pound just sitting there. I could make out the voices of the neighborhood kids hollering, scrambling around the sidewalk for a game of chase. Somehow, it calmed me. Those kids were still so naïve. They never even once think about what they have to strive for to make life so valuable._

_Jesse had called me for ice cream. It has become a daily routine ever since California hit summer. He's found some tiny ice cream joint that's not so packed with so many teenagers. It just the most precious little parlor off the back street of Starbucks. Of course, it didn't earn as much popularity as the coffee shop, but that's what made it so worthwhile._

_It was still pretty early, and I was lying in Jesse's bed sassily. I drew myself together. My legs folded against my chest, as I held myself smugly, drawing in the scent of Jesse's old T-shirt. It made me feel giddy all over like a silly child._

_Jesse went out early for a morning jog. It was already noon and he has yet to come home. So I waited, hugging myself on his bed. The softness of his covers drew me in like cashmere. I get the same warm feeling wash over me whenever I lay there._

_And sooner than five minutes later, I was dozing off. A lingering sleep followed me. My body unwinded and unraveled against itself. The humid air guided my dreams. I was just following wherever life takes me, trying to catch a ride. It was summer, and I was ready to sleep my knowledge off and just let myself catch up._

_It also did make me somewhat sad to depart from my friends. Cee got an early acceptance to Brown, and she was already packed and ready to go. It's as if she couldn't wait to leave us, and that's enough to make me tear. Adam had already left a few days ago to some college in Florida, probably a clown college if not better. As for me, I was just taking me time and enjoying the ride._

_I would feel a drop of tear rolling down my smooth cheek. It rounded against the chin, drawing a curve. My lips drooped, pouting. I was never going to see them again._

_The colleges I picked out were placed all around the country. _

_It just drives me deprived when I realize that none of my friends were ever going to meet up again. Yeah, maybe a party for the class of 2006 eighty years from now, but who's going to wait that long? _

_Oh, Cee was absolutely heartbroken when Adam left. You always think that the people you're with now are the people that you'll be with forever. But how wrong we were._

_Mom and Andy keeps telling me to pick out a major. Jakes, who's already been off in college—dozing it off I bet—always pressures me that it's going to be too late if I don't pick now. I still don't know what his major is. Probably something along the line sleeping-ology. He'd pass that in a snap._

_But I had no idea how long my day was going to be._

_**Now days:**_

"You mind if we walk?" Paul kept fingering the folder, grinning at me with that knowing smile of his.

The wind was drawing me hair out, cradling me softly. Its touch was velvety smooth, and caressed my skin with a tingle of warmness. I let my eyes flutter to a close, breathing in the sweet scent of spring. It was so serene and peaceful.

"Isn't it so beautiful?" I breathed, barely parting my lips. "The air is so fragile, I'm afraid to break it if I hold it."

He chuckled, like I was some foolish five-year-old.

I finally stopped skipping and pried my eyes open. I caught Paul in the act of staring at me in awe. His piercing sapphire eyes penetrated me skin.

"What, Paul?" I smiled unevenly.

He quickly looked away like a kid caught stealing cookie from the cookie jar. And shook his head, giving me the eye roll. Being around him made me feel so immature.

I started again, trying to keep up my pace, "Hey, Boss. Mind if I ask you a question? I know we're not suppose to talk about it since you're my boss and it's suppose to be 'personal' or whatever."

He looked startled for a second, and then pleased. His golden locks shone with a bright luster in the sun. "Sure. Ask away."

"You know James from the sales staff?" I inquired. "Why did you fire him? I mean, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to or anything. But, he's kinda my only friend from the company. All the other people would just kind of shy away from me. It's like I'm contagious."

I sucked in a deep breath, chocking over my own words. I blinked, licking my dry lips, and continued. "And then James was really nice to me. He would always stop by my office every afternoon and tell me a joke. I kind of miss having a friend who just doesn't start eyeing me every time I'm around you. Like right now."

I stopped to reminisce the dry smile he'd draw every afternoon when he'd stop by with one of those corny jokes. Sometimes, that's the only thing that makes up my day.

He was good natured, and laid back. Always did bear that honest expression. But he was also just a kid. Constantly on the quest for more knowledge. Sometimes, after sharing a joke with me, he'd stop by for some help at work. He was so curious, and that was sweet. Now, I missed having a friend at work.

As we walked down the courtyard where the employees—like me—were supposed to be having lunch, they all hid behind their lunches and started eyeing us suspiciously. I could feel their eyes on me as we moved. It was scary.

I wanted a friend. Someone that I can share my day with, and go out with on the weekends. Someone that can I can joke around with and can lift a smile on my lips. Maybe just for a day, and it'll be worth it.

With Paul around, it was nearly impossible. Everyone avoided me. Sure, I talk to a few friends here and there. But do they ever stop by just to say hi? Do they even care if I was fired the next day? Maybe I was just searching for comfort.

He took a deep breath, and sighed, looking desperate for a good answer. His expression was pained, and then eased into his relaxed features. "He was a distraction."

I lolled my head, confused. "A _distraction_? So what, you're jealous now that _I_ suddenly have a friend, and _you_, this boss of this entire corp, doesn't? God, Paul, you're just like that. You know what you are? You're like the kid on the playground that have to ruin everybody else's time just because you're not having a good one, and—"

"He was bad for the company. Wasn't selling enough. Did you know his sales pitch was half of everyone elses'?" A distraction and slacker." He said easily with a winning smirk. His face glowed.

"Oh," I gaped. Gawd, what a way to make me look stupid. "Well, I stand corrected."

He didn't seem to have realized what I had said. His forehead was creased with a questioning gaze. "Hey, you like ice cream?"

.0.0.

_**Jesse:**_

_**Flashback**_

I yawned, lolling my head back with a great sigh. I reached for my alarm clock, hitting the snooze button. It was only six. Knowing Susannah, she was probably sleeping in on a Saturday morning.

I quickly washed up, and grabbed breakfast, already running behind schedule. I ran a hand through my wet hair, and pulled up my hood. The sweatshirt smelled of the sweet scent of Susannah. I could feel the warmness seep through me at the thought of her, even though she wasn't there. I felt her fragile hand in my palm.

She was that kind of person. One that grabs your mind constantly, unwilling to let go. And most of all, I could always feel her there with me, soothing my mind. She was like a guardian angle, always watching over me, tugging on my heart strings. I liked her there.

I sat in my front door steps. It still wasn't the time of the day when the sun was boiling yet. Just perfect. A chilly breeze swept the air, laced with the fragrance of salty seawater. The weather was just right, and ideal for morning jogging.

Closing my eyes, I let the cool gentle wind wash over me. I sensed the waves crashing on shore in a rhythmic beat. This is the part of the day I loved the most. The palm trees swayed slightly, and the sea gulls squawked, soaring overhead.

Something purred at my foot. The neighbor's old cat pawed at me, searching my face for some comfort with those knowing, gleaming, golden eyes of its. Its pupils grew large, shuffling its body against my leg. It maneuvered easily through the gaps left between. Then, with a soft whimper, it left. I studied the way it promenaded flexibly at the wide sidewalk.

Something about it reminded me about Spike. Perhaps the way it stared up at me with those comforting eyes filled with ease. Remorse came over me.

I shook my head, and started jogging like I originally planned to before getting distracted.

The sound of the soles of my shoes hitting against the cement sidewalks were cadenced, cracking against the ground. I felt my breath draw up as my pace picked up, and sweat was dotting my forehead.

It looked like everyone was sleeping in late this morning. The curtains were all drawn and lights were smothered out. The street was silent, except for the sound of my running and nature itself.

After a while of listening to my pounding heart, I stopped at my favorite destination. Dropping to the sand, I picked up the sound of the waves again. The cavern lay behind me, hollow and dark. It threatened anyone that came close but me.

The sea gulls swooped down close to me, pecking at the sand, and started up again. They chartered the way north.

I couldn't wait to see Susannah this morning. I had promised to take her to that ice cream parlor. She loved that place, and could never contain her excitement whenever we came near. I loved seeing that eager look on her, as she'd prance around. She mentioned to me that the ice cream reminded her of New York. Those ice creams, she said giddily, have real fat in it. It didn't taste organic. And I would just chuckle and shake my head.

A shadow loomed over me at a towering height. I glanced up at the source of this blockade.

A short, stubby man frowned at me. He held a questioning gaze with those stern yet dull gray eyes of his. He looked formal, dressed in a business suit and tie, but his posture was anything but.

He nodded curtly, never taking his eyes off me. His hand clenched a suitcase. He had fine lines of age and wisdom cut in his face.

He finally opened his mouth to speak.

"Jesse de Silva?"

0.0.0

REVIEW. It would mean a lot to me. So I know that all the time I took to write this won't go wasted.


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